I feel like this post could be about any number of things: my daughter's impending birth; our imminent move to New York; or the growing relationship between us and the Orthodox Church and its feasts, saints, and fasts. The last topic may be closest to a summary of the forthcoming post. You be the judge.
I told my father the other day, that you don't know how bad a sinner you are until you start realizing how amazing God is. It's that understanding of God's greatness and my desperate need for His forgiveness and mercy that has hit me like a ton of bricks this past month, specifically. God is amazing and holy. I am sinful and broken. That sinfulness and brokenness is also dangerous, because it tends to hit everyone else with the shrapnel of the little bombs that go off in my life.
I don't know what it is that makes my sin become more apparent while becoming Orthodox than my righteousness. I know that's an arrogant question, but it is the question I've been asking. I really wish that people could see my growing faith and piety rather than be scandalized by my apparent regression. It's frustrating, and it's the life I'm living in as we speak.
I'm praying that God will forgive me every day, and every day I find more reasons to ask for forgiveness. I pray for God to give me mercy and strength to make it through the day, and every day I feel like I fall into bed exhausted and defeated by the weight of sin and struggle that rests on my shoulders every day.
Please pray for us. Please pray for my wife as she gives birth to our new daughter. Please pray for us as we move all of our worldly possessions once again to a new place. Pray that as more sharp edges get revealed they get smoothed once again. Most of all forgive me. If you run into me and get struck by the shrapnel of my sin, please forgive me and pray for me. God is love.