Thursday, March 31, 2011

Walking through the wilderness

This has been a very, very hard Lent. Last year I lost my job, moved, and never had the catharsis of Pascha. This year we've had two medical emergencies (one involving 3k of money we don't have), loneliness, fear of the future, insecurity in relationships, et al.  We've had a few oases along the way, but it's seemed like a dry, weary land in which there has been very little life at times; and the thorns and weeds have been choking out these thirsty sprouts as they reach for the Sun.

This posting is very hard for me to write as I sit here. We are so blessed in our lives, but it's hard to see those blessings when the emotions are high and the pain seems so very real. I have been so defensive and prickly. Our girls have grown quickly, matured slowly, and discovered ways to nearly kill themselves on various occasions stretching from Forgiveness Sunday to this date (see previous post about AJ's attempt at internal puncturing with a push-pin tack and our trips to the emergency room). Life is just so hard right now. I knew this Lent would be hard (Lent is always hard), but I didn't realize that it was going to be this hard this year.

I need the Resurrection. I need to be resurrected.  Spiritually, emotionally, holistically, I need to be brought from life to death.  I'm so tired of the wilderness and ready for the Promised Land--even if that Promised Land is only an all-night celebration of the Resurrection, or a "brief service" resulting in our being fully welcomed into the life of the Church; and I've just only recently realized that Lent doesn't end for us until we do that. We will continue being in this state of not-yet-but-someday until we stand together at the doors of the church and the priest lays his hand on our heads and begins to pray over us that we would be filled with the Holy Spirit and come to the life in Christ.

Pascha is coming, and I'm so excited for this year!  This year we get the catharsis at the end of a very difficult Lenten fast.  I can't forget, though, that this is just one year at the beginning of so many more to come.  God be with you all.

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